Here’s one of the examples tested for an ad on insurance:

Headline 1: “Great new insurance plan pays hospital, surgical expenses”

Comment: Not great, but it’s short and direct. And the benefit is obvious. 

Headline 2: “Now great new insurance plan offers you protection for hospital, surgical, and/or doctors’ bills and/or lost income.”

Comment: This headline has no rhythm or flow, but it does offer more benefits. 

The first headline pulled in double the response. (That’s not surprising. It is easier to read and it flows.) The editors claim the second headline should have done better, since it’s providing more benefits. More benefits equals higher results, right? In general, yes.

In this case, there are two flaws in the copy. 1 – The underlying story going on in the customer’s head. 2 – The use of logic (specifically, the word ‘OR’).

Let’s talk about the first one. Stories.

Every person on the planet is living in their own reality. Even you. Now, I’m not talking about the crazy people you see in the insane asylums or the people who have been hit with demetia. I mean every person on the planet – even the sane – is living in their own reality. They have their own history, language, experiences, and stories. Any experience is filtered through this lens of reality.

By the way, this means you, too.

As you read the headline above, you are running through an internal story. In the first headline, the story is – “Well, I know I have to pay hospital bills and they sometimes get expensive, so it would be nice to get money to pay them off.” The basic idea is ‘Free money’ or ‘Free hospital care.’ 

That’s a fairly compelling benefit. 

In the second headline, the same benefit is described as ‘protection from …..” Although logically equivalent, the story going through someone’s head is different. The reader is thinking, “Protection!?!? I need protection from the hospital…? Are they the mafia? Do they mean protection from disease? Am I going to get sick if I go to the hospital? Wait, what if I die?” and so on….

By using the word ‘protection’, the story inside a reader’s head becomes, ‘The hospital is going to do something to me that forces me to need protection.’ 

That’s not really the best motivator. In fact, I bet this headline scared more people away from the hospital.

Just because you are adding more benefits doesn’t mean that the reader is interpreting them as such. Always pay attention to the story going on in your reader’s head. Remember, you are writing for their reality, not yours. 

As for the second attribute – Logic – I’ll cover that one tomorrow.